Strictly on Thames and Herman Goering on Thames

Hmm, it's been nearly a year. Great gosh! I have been working for the Youth Hostels Association in a variety of locations across this great land such as Suffolk, Norfolk, Oxford and Milton Keynes. Now I am in Streatley-on-Thames in Berkshire. This is the hostel:

Nice, yes? It's very quiet as it is winter. Tomorrow, I intend on visiting Windsor to browse charity shops, drink beer, wander aimlessly and get a haircut. Maybe the queen will do it? We can only ask.

BREAD CONFESSIONS

You know those annoying Kingsmill adverts where people annoyingly confess their bread based confessions? You can put your own on their website. Here's mine:

I could win £250!

A NEW CHAISE LONGUE

Yesterday was the 375th anniversary of the formation of the Kingdom of Polecatia. As you can imagine, it was chaos in the living room. Drinking, singing and fighting, those polecats sure know how to have a good time. Mitzy was wasted and was all over me, I literally had to beat her off with a cricket bat. She is one slutty polecat. The celebrations went on long into the night and I felt like HELL this morning. The living room was a mess. Graham had completely destroyed mother's favourite chaise longue in a drunken fury. I think he was a bit jealous of all the attention I was getting from Mitzy.

Today, Mother and I went looking for a new chaise longue in the sales. We decided to check out the People's Democratic Republic of Leather, which is a lot like Kingdom of Leather except you're not allowed to take photographs of anything.

The People's Democratic Republic of Leather

We found one we liked and I look forward to fingering Veronica on it. I'll have to send the polecats to the pictures, though. I recommend they see Avatar, which is a very different film from The Aviator.

OH LONESOME ME

I have a new imaginary girlfriend. Her name is Veronica Fishcakes. She is good and kind and works in a bank or somewhere. We are very much in love, but things are quite awkward at the moment. I live in a very crowded house what with mother upstairs and a polecat refugee camp in the front room, we often have to go to her place for sexy times. This, however, presents difficulties as she doesn't have her own place because she is imaginary. I usually end up in the woods on my own. Veronica is a massive Beyonce fan. Here is a picture of Beyonce's actual face:

She wants me to take her to see Beyonce in concert next time she tours. I don't know how to tell her that after those letters I wrote I'm not even allowed to listen to her records, let alone see her in concert.

Things'll probably work out OK.

A CONFUSION OF POLECATS

Nine polecats wormed their way into my life today. Due to the unstable political situation in The Land Of The Long Animals and continued hostilities with the weasels and stoats, they have entered my territories as refugees and are claiming asylum. They have set up camp on the living room floor and because of my namby pamby liberal nature, we are all getting along famously. Here are their names and vital statistics:

KAROL JUSKOWIAK

Leader of polecats. Strenght 9 Dexterity 11. Love of women and Monopoly. Plays tiny fiddle.

BESSIE St JOHN

Matriarch. Skills: Knitting + Fighting. Staunch Socialist. Eyepatch.

GRAHAM JUSKOWIAK

Brother of leader. Alcoholic. 2 eyepatches.

TERRY OWENS

Loyal. Steadfast. True. Warrior. No eyepatch.

SHAUN JAMES

Token black polecat. Likes the laydeez (sic).

MITZY JEFFERS

Slutty. Tits. Blond. Polecat.

FATHER DERMOT O'POLECAT

Wisom 8 Morals 9. Fluffy tail and beady eyes. Roman Catholic priest.

JODIE FOSTER

No relation. Vegetarian. Liberal Democrat. Wears a yellow hat.

LENWARD JONESBURGER

Large and fat. Quiet. Can't do sudokus.

MY VALLEY IS FULL OF SNOW

There has been lots of snow in the valley recently. Here is the view from my bedroom window.

Imperial invasion is not the only problem we're having. The trains went weird. They were going up the valley but not back down. Later we heard that the people of Rhymney were literally up to their knees in trains.

I couldn't leave the house for days so I made a new tin foil hat. Unfortunately, it was too small and I looked like a paranoid Jew. So I done this blog instead.